TEACHING LEADING BECOMING

FRIENDLY CONVERSATIONS AND QUESTIONS

I am so appreciative of my formal education.  I learned a lot and most importantly, the credentials I earned gave me the opportunity to work with children.  However, it was my informal education, my life experience that contributed to finding my life’s purpose and honing the skills to make a difference for the children who touched my life with their stories. 

Introduction
I’ve always had a heart for the disenfranchised student.  My broad teaching experience taught me to approach students with difficult-to-manage-behaviors with a sense of curiosity and wonder.  To me, their interruptive behaviors, angry outbursts, and self-destructive actions pointed to deeper, underlying issues.  When I realized that using punishment (without praise), consequences (without meaning), and isolation (without conversation)) didn’t change a student’s behavior, I learned how to address those issues with kindness, care, hope and love while holding them accountable. It changed how they responded. 

That powerful insight led to the development of Life Lessons, a transformational program for trauma-affected youth.

I believe in providing children access to their own inner wisdom, resiliency and resources.  I believe in giving them the time and a safe place to reflect on their life’s circumstance to understand themselves. Following these beliefs will lead them to success unexpected by common methods.  When the underlying causes of their misbehaviors are identified and addressed in this manner understanding, healing and course correction will be inevitable.

How Did You Grow Up?
Memories of my childhood are of a happy family that extended to our grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.  We took long summer camping trips to visit family around the country.  My memories are filled with hula hoops, baseballs, summer plays, collecting pollywogs and lots of laughter.  I can still smell the adobe earth and the boggy swamps.  Indoors there was always a puzzle to do, a book to read or a game to be played.  

My parents ‘took in’ friends (adults) and relatives (teenagers) when asked.  They provided a safe haven that gave family and friends a step up or a time away.  These visitors were always a nice addition, even if there were troubles at times.  My parents held an attitude of inclusion, communication and togetherness.  Looking back, it was probably harder for them than it looked to us kids.  I believe that it was this childhood experience that influenced my decision to become a foster parent as a single woman.  I thought Darryl, my foster son, would be with me for a few months or a couple of years and then be ready to face the world again without all the anger, rebellion and drug abuse.  I had no idea it would become a lifetime commitment.

What was your experience as a teacher, foster parent, and working within the educational system?
After years of teaching pre-school, elementary and then high school, I saw how each child came to the classroom as a different and unique individual with their own set of strengths, talents and personality.  However, we categorized children only on the basis of age.  We often excluded such dynamics as school readiness, emotional maturity, academic ability, social awareness and physicality.

I never had children of my own.  I became a foster parent as a single woman to a young 13year-old boy, Darryl, who had been born and raised in a harmful, familial environment.  His father was an abusive alcoholic, his mother was ineffective and the oldest brother was mean.  Growing up in this environment, traumatic things happened TO him, due to no fault of his own. He was just a kid.  By the time I met him, he was described as a drug addict, a criminal, mentally unstable, a drop out, learning disabled, troubled and angry.

When Darryl came to live with me, he was already on probation. I saw how his traumatic history affected his ability to learn, build and maintain healthy relationships and the toll the system had on his self-esteem.  Soon after Darryl moved in, he refused to go to school. I knew that I had to address his behavior differently.  

There had been many breakthroughs in science, technology, psychology, and human development.  I became interested in how I could apply these new learnings to old problems.  Although this shift was untested, I trusted it and answers began to emerge.  

AHA MOMENT
I soon learned that his misbehavior was bigger than I knew how to contain.  I’m saying this from a place of privilege.  I was educated, a teacher, a home owner, fairly stable.  But none of that was big enough to hold this child’s pain that was being displayed in anger, drug abuse and rebellion.  By the time he came to live with me he’d been given all the disciplinary actions that our system affords young, out of control males:  being arrested, sent to a mental health facility, sent to boys home, sent to live with a relative, kicked out of school.

None of those had a positive impact on his behavior.  In fact, most of them gave him credibility on the streets for being a ‘delinquent’: the opposite of what the goal of those actions were meant to do.  They were intended to be painful enough to bring him back into the fold. However, that was not balanced or matched by his struggles as a student, a son, or a person.  Therefore, he was naturally drawn to where he was accepted and where his skills were valued.  The streets.

How did this idea come to you?
As I became curious about what was missing and how we got here, I turned away from what had not worked so far and asked myself ‘What does he need right now to feel better about himself?’

Some of the answers that came to me were:

He needed to be included in activities that were child-like or innocent in nature such as, bowling, baseball, eating ice cream, going to the park.

He needed to be recognized for his inherent strengths.  But what were they and how do you grow them enough to help him overcome his old habits and create a new future?

He needed to be provided enough structure to contain his harmful actions, but not take away his need to be in control or to be valued.

None of us can be successful without help. 
Who helped you?
Because I was working, I asked the neighbors to let me know immediately if they saw Darryl doing something  harmful to others or something illegal.

I introduced him to the local police to build a positive relationship in an effort to curb his illegal behavior and let the police know that I was not contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  I wanted him to experience immediate correction before he turned 18. I didn’t want him to end up in prison for a long time like his older brother, who had  shot and killed his father.

I asked my family to support us in building a foundation of Love and Respect for his journey without Fear or Judgment. 

I found a therapist that he could relate to and was willing to build a relationship with him.  They worked  together to build his self-image, get a handle on his rage, help him understand his emotions and misbehaviors, and supported him in learning and growing his way by recognizing his skills and talents.

What are you trying to affect/change in the field of education?  
Schools are central to our collective culture.  It is the structure under which our children gather daily to experience a curriculum designed to enhance their mind as their brains grow and mature.  It is the place where they learn how to be in relationship with each other, how to share, be patient, listen, ask questions, be respectful, and have empathy.  Mental, physical and emotional growth happens in this environment for our children.  We, as educators, are their mentors, caretakers and teachers.

This is a tremendous calling.

How we operate our schools under that edict defines who we are as a community, a country and as a humanity.  The world is evolving and with it so should the function and structure of our educational system.  Evidence that we haven’t kept up with the need for an educational evolution are high drop-out rates, low graduation rates, in-school bullying, school shootings, and overall low performance.  

Home is also central to the development of healthy young adults.  It is the place where children first begin to discover who they are and how the world works.  It is where they  first learn about love, respect and self-sufficiency.

Love is essential to a child’s self concept. Being a parent is an enormous privilege.  Having children is a blessing.  How we raise our children, the environment we create to nurture them, the foundation we firmly place under their feet is crucial/vital to their future health and well-being.   

Can you articulate how families and schools can become more responsive/adept at raising functional, successful, healthy children?
What we don’t deal with inside ourselves will be passed on to our children.  That is true for the adults that touch the lives of our children whether in the classroom, community, or home.  The healthier we are, the healthier our children will be.  As an adult, we must recognize that we are acting from some hurts that we experienced as a child, that we have unresolved anger left over from failed relationships, or feel ‘less than’ as an individual.   It is important that we address those issues.  Left unresolved, the hurt, anger and lack of confidence may be triggered unintentionally.  That trigger may unleash emotional baggage that has the potential to damage parent/child relationships.

The home/school/community can learn to be responsive rather than reactive to children who are ‘acting in’ or ‘acting out’.  Every classroom, home and community needs rules and consequences.  An indicator that a child has some serious underlying issues is when those rules don’t change behavior or increase compliance.  Then, it is time to look more deeply into the background of the child.

Counseling becomes essential.  How a trauma-affected child is counseled also becomes essential.  It is only in a nonjudgmental, safe environment that a child’s underlying issues will be revealed.  Firstly, the child must know that he/she will be held accountable for their misbehavior. Secondly, that their actions have a direct link to something that happened TO them. Thirdly, that these events took place before they had the mental and verbal ability to understand and then express themselves appropriately.  The counseling sessions must be prioritized to reveal what happened TO them, how they were affected by that event, and what behaviors they chose to make themselves ‘feel better’.  From that foundational understanding, they can then learn how to integrate the past to create a positive future.

If you could tell others one thing about why they should consider making a positive impact on children, parents, teachers and the educational system, what would you tell them?
Children are our future.  We, no matter our role, either parent, principal or pastor, are one of the most important determinants of what happens TO them. We must be conscientious and creative about how we support them.  Give attention to what they do right and be clear, direct and quick when holding them accountable for what they do wrong. 

Postscript regarding Darryl -Through those teen years and into his 20’s, Darryl had difficulty holding a job and staying out of trouble. At age 28 he quit all drugs and alcohol. In 1985 he started a successful business called America’s Best Pool Service and Repair.  He never married and never had children.  He has been a hard worker, good citizen and helps his siblings. He’s been a great friend and supporter to me. I learned a lot from him and appreciate all that our relationship has had to offer.